Welcome to my Substack

Welcome to my Substack

You are simply gorgeous for being here. Thank you. I hope you find it worthwhile.

If you’re reading this introduction any time soon after I finished writing it, you probably knew me already. (If not, I’d love to hear how you heard about this place.) That being so, I won’t trouble you with more than a potted history.

Also, I want you to get to know me over time, as you would if we became friends. I’m far too remote and glamorous for that actually to happen, obvs, but let’s pretend.

I live in Oxfordshire. I’ll be fifty on my next birthday. I’m a cultural Christian. I went to local schools and my local university. I’m the size of a lowland gorilla, although I’m working on downsizing. I did about 500 gigs as a stand-up comedian, and I’ve dabbled in acting. My main hobbies these days are guitar and judo, both of which I started in middle-age. I have been blessed with a terrific family and friends, and being an uncle has changed my life. (For the better, I mean, in case that subtext wasn’t clear!)

Nevertheless, I’m quite lonely, and that might pop up from time to time. There will be some shade as well as light here, melancholy as well as ecstasy. That means I may talk a bit about OCD and depression. Don’t worry, you’re going to laugh as well. It also seems likely that about 40 per cent of you are going to fall in love with me. I do hope that doesn’t cause you or anyone else too much angst.

I’m a writer whose words have been consumed by millions of people, but very few of them have heard of me. I ghost-wrote speeches and articles for politicians. Three of them went on to become Prime Minister. I may be tempted to pretend there was a causal connection, if I ever find myself chatting up my future wife.

I’m a small c conservative, yet one of my things is rejecting received wisdom. For example, common sense, experience, science, behavioural economics, and friends all suggest that this site needs to have a clearly defined theme, but it won’t.

They’d definitely be right if I was going to rely on advertising. However, while I’m gambling that my quirky range of interests will tickle you, you’ll be able to find better-informed writers on music, martial arts, politics, Italy, America, and even 1980s goalkeeper gloves.

It’s my hope that you’ll keep coming back – and encourage others to do the same – because you like the way I write. That’s it.

This piece is going to be something of an exception in that I’m writing about writing. I won’t be doing much of that. I’ve led some speechwriting training sessions in the past and loved it, but that was then. I don’t wholly regret writing in the shadows for so long, but it’s time to come into the open – and to participate more than commentate.

I can be guilty of navel-gazing, but I never enjoy it. Perhaps it’s my big tummy. When I write about personal stuff, I want it to be a form of looking outwards, of sharing rather than self-indulgence.

So look, I’m not pimping my expertise here. I’m pimping, er, myself. It’s my fervent wish that you will enjoy my writing even if you don’t agree with it. Even if I write about something that will never grab your interest for more than a few hundred words. (You will read my article about goalkeeper gloves, and you will enjoy it.)

The promise of Substack is a fantastic one: that a writer might earn a living without being at the mercy of commissioning editors, publishers, advertisers, or algorithms. That truly is the stuff of fantasy, and it is greatly to the Substack team’s credit that their vision isn’t fantastical but a reality. I’m writing this in the pub. Later in the year, I hope to be writing on this site from a room in Italy.

I write fiction, too. (All writing feels “creative”, don’t you find?) I gather that publishers don’t like short story collections and prefer novels. But you know what? Succeeding with a novel is a longshot anyway, so I think I’ll stick with what I enjoy. Maybe one of my short stories will get made into a film one day. Regardless, you’ll be able to read them on here. I may even publish some of my doggerel.

Do please share your thoughts about what I write, but please don’t be offended that I’m not a fan of taking notes and that I don’t want to write anything collectively. It’s not that I doubt you could make improvements to my prose. It’s just that a quarter-century of having to run every damn word past other people has quite exhausted my appetite for that kind of thing.

I’m a fan of hearing a writer’s authentic, singular voice. That’s what you’ll get here. I’ll link to other people’s writing with great pleasure. I won’t host it.

This is all new to me. I’m finding my way, and I’ll make mistakes. I do want to earn some filthy lucre on here in due course, but I’ll make it all open access at first. Then I hope I can cut off your supply when you’re hooked.

Once again, thank you for being here. There are lots of other things you could be doing, and I really appreciate it. I’m going to work hard to make it worth your while.